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A semi-regular feature with relationship advice from the experts on different
subjects
Overdependency featuring Dr Drew Pinksy & Adam Carolla
Q. What are some of the symptoms of overdependency?
Dr Drew: Anytime you need somebody in order to be complete, you’re overdependent. Anytime you get in a situation where
you lose yourself in a relationship, you’re too dependent. If you’re in a situation where you can’t get
out because there’s something about what that person has that you can’t do without, you’re in trouble.
To the extent that your feelings become another person’s, that’s too much. On the other hand, to be overly independent
with no concern for the feelings of others is not right either; that heads toward a narcissistic relationship.
You should be independent. You should be a separate person who comes together in a relationship, not one who blends into
a relationship. It's not like a puzzle where two pieces have to be together in order to fit or to complete one another. It’s
more two separate entities creating a new entity when they’re together.
Adam: Right. You should be Neapolitan, not Rocky Road--not some sort of peanut butter-fudge whirl thing. Your goose is cooked
the day you start thinking that there’s no other like this person.
Dr Drew: That’s dangerous. That’s a fantasy.
How to tell you’re in an enmeshed relationship--and
how to get out
Overdependent or enmeshed relationships are very common today: relationships in which there are poor boundaries, where people
have difficulty determining what are their feelings and what are the other person’s feelings. There’s very little
independence or respect for one another, no mutuality--just this overwhelming sense of fusion of the two individuals. And
that can be very unhealthy...People who tend to find enmeshed relationships do so because their instincts direct them toward
individuals with similar needs, people who tend to push the same emotional buttons, massage the same emotional needs.
A good sign that you’re enmeshed to an unhealthy extent in a relationship is that other people--your friends, your family--are
telling you that this relationship isn’t good for you and yet you continue in it anyway. Or you’re saying to
yourself, I know he’s not good for me. I know this is not working. Yet you continue to behave in a way that
you can’t control. If you’re struggling to make the other peson fit an idealized notion you have for them--then
you’re probably involved with the wrong person.
How do you get out? Well, as painful as it is, you have to stop denying the truth and confront it. And learn to deal with
it, no matter how difficult that is.
Start by compelling you partner to behave in a way that’s respectful of your needs. If they can’t, extricate
yourself from the situation--and find someone who is willing to respect your needs.
But that isn’t easy. Telling the truth to yourself never is. So you should consider therapy to deal with any problems
from your past that are infringing on your present efforts to be happy and fulfilled.
How to help a friend who is in an overdependent
relationship...
Adam: It’s really the same caveat you use with someone who’s too promiscuous: Get this person to get involved
with other aspects of their life and not shift it onto the person they’re being dependent on. Show me a busy, successful,
productive person and I’ll show you someone who is not clingy.
Dr Drew: That can sometimes be a compensation for somebody who was clingy at one time in their life and they become overachieving
as a way of compensating for that. Clinginess is about not feeling worthwhile and not dealing with reality on reality’s
terms. So talk to them about dealing with reality on reality’s terms. Don’t try to make reality something it
isn’t.
And a few words on the same subject from our
boardies...
"Until I hear from him, I don't want to be with him anymore." If hearing from him means his validating
your worth, it sounds to me like you could benefit from some soul searching. You mustn't rely on any other person to make
you happy except, yourself. I've had to figure this out the hard way so, I'm not trying to be condescending, here. (bbw_26)
Let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being independent and able to take care of yourself. You should not
be in a relationship if you are looking for someone to do that for you. A relationship -- being together or united or whatever
you want to call it -- is not about being joined at the hip and doing everything together or expecting your partner to meet
your every emotional need. That expectation places a tremendous burden on the other person to 'be your everything' and it's
not realistic and will probably fail in the long term. People get 'parts' of what they need from having their own interests,
friends, jobs, etc. The rest they get from their partner. That is what makes a well-rounded relationship. (vachick)
you can be happy both in a relationship and not in a relationship. Some woman don't understand this but happiness comes from
within. I always joke with my boyfriend and say I _could_ live without you if I had too, but I would never want too. Those
I can't live, can't breathe, etc etc advertisements are misleading. You can and you should be able too. Having a strong committed
relationship means you are your own person but CHOOSE to be with the other person because it makes you even happier, enriches
your life more, whatever. But you could always survive and be happy on your own. (crewcox88)
it's something that no one wants to feel, that they are the entire world for their SO. It's too much pressure for a relationship,
and it's unfair to the partner. It puts undue strain on them, and it creates disappointment for the one who's dependent,
as well as causing unrealistic expectations.
Here's ways of being too dependent while being far away...If you've ever expressed that you cannot get through a day without
hearing from your SO. If you've ever said that talking to them is all that keeps you going. If you've ever said you're unhappy
whenever you're not together, or when you're not talking to them. If you sit at home every evening waiting for the phone
call or the IM conversation. If on weekends when there's no visit you're still at home every night and all day every day,
instead of going out with friends. If your SO can't name off the top of their head at least 3 close friends of yours. If
they have trouble buying you a gift because they don't know what your interests are, and that's not because they don't pay
attention but because *you* don't know what your interests are. If you make all your plans based on "well I'll be moving
someday anyway", even when there's been no discussion of when that move will happen. When you've been a couple and doing
regular visits (this does not apply to the ladies who have months in between visits) for an extended length of time, but you
both expect them to entertain you and to spend every moment with you during visits. If your nightly conversations can't even
get past the "I miss you and can't wait to see you" because you have nothing from your day to talk about, haven't watched/read
the news in weeks, and don't know what's going on in your friends’ lives. If you're stuck in the future of your relationship
and not enjoying the current stage (you talk a lot about when you'll get engaged, when you'll move, when you'll get married,
when you'll have kids, etc). If the idea of missing a phone call or an email or an IM or a text message throws you into a
tailspin. If every single time they are quiet on the phone or extra sleepy or really busy you worry that they don't care
about you as much or they don't want to talk to you or they're going to break up with you. If they know they can schedule
a last minute (and we're talking...hey can you come up tomorrow?) visit because you won't have any other plans anyway. If
you hate your job, have not tried to find anything enjoyable about it, hate your coworkers, have not tried to make friends
with them (not applicable to those who can't get out of their jobs, like military and such, lol), but stay in the position
and complain about it instead of making changes. If you can't name, right now, really fast, 3 things you enjoy, and that
you actually do, that do not involve your SO, that could be referred to (even loosely) as hobbies.
These things are not good for relationships. You don't have to do all those things to be dependent, and just because you
do one of those things doesn't mean that you necessarily are dependent, but if you have ever felt that you're just treading
water in your life until the LDR is local again, then you're putting too much pressure and stress onto the relationship to
be everything. You should be able to live without them and have a happy life. If you can't do that you're not being fair
**to either of you**. (sweet_tartc4)
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